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TOUCHED BY THE GODS
If you know someone who is:
Clairvoyant
This person "Sees Things". This could mean that the person in question (is):
1/ Actually Psychic.
2/ Needs to see an Optometrist
3/ Needs to see their Psychiatrist and have their medication either increased or decreased
4/ Has to stop drinking to excess as they are obviously Alcoholic.
Clairaudient
This person "Hears Things". This could mean that the person in question (is):
1/ Actually Psychic
2/ Has a undiagnosed psychological/ mental illness.
3/ Has a diagnosed psychological/ mental illness (quickly check for weapons such as sharp
knives, axes etc and then run).
4/ Is on far to much prescribed medication.
5/ Is on illegal drugs.
Clairsentient
This person "Feels Things". This could mean that the person in question (is):
1/ Indeed Psychic.
2/ Has Wind or Gastric Reflux (refer also to clairgustant).
3/ May have an ulcer.
5/ Probably haunted.
Clariscentrient
This person "Smells Things". This could mean that the person in question (is):
1/ Is obviously "sensitive" or has an acute sense of smell.
2/ Big nosed.
3/ Sticking their nose in other people's business.
4/ Suffering from bad personal body odour.
5/ Has their nose firmly up someone else's arse.
Clairgustant
This person "Tastes Things". This could mean that the person in question (is):
1/ Maybe psychic
2/ Possibly suffering from a Autism Spectrum Disorder and has acute sense of taste.
3/ Hasn't cleaned their teeth for quite a while.
4/ Talks a lot of shit/ suffers from verbal diarrhoea.
Either the person in question is Psychic or Psycho. Judge for yourself when meeting them in person and don't just take their word for it. My suggestion is never shake hands with a person with an axe or a sharp knife in their other hand.
THE ZEN OF SARCASM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just
pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and
you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it
was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your
lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night
PAGAN PARADISE
There's these three guys that rock up to the gates of heaven.
St Peter checks each of their names, none are in his book, so he
directs them to the mass of gardens that surround heaven.
"Follow this path and it will take you to Hells Gate"
The three men follow the path past beautiful waterfalls, through an
enormous forest, and around manicured flower beds. At the end of the
path they find a small fiery demon with his own book.
The demon checks their names. All their names are in his book. One is
an adulterer, another a blasphemer, the third is a heathen.
First the adulterer is invited behind the desk to a door, behind the
door is a chute with flames coming from it, leading to the pits of
hell. As the door is opened he is drawn into it with a whimper.
Another door appears for the blasphemer, it is opened and his limbs
are torn from him, finally, screaming in terror, his torso and head
disappear through the foul passage.
Then, the demon goes back to his book.....
The heathen, in fear, asks what is to become of him.
Laughing, the demon explains.... "My friend, you have the run of the
place. Those two were Christians, they wouldn't have it any other
way. Welcome to the Summerlands. You may await your time of rebirth
here, but please, stay away from the fenced off area. YHWH gets bit
upset if those others realise they are locked in and it can take the
other Gods weeks to calm him down."
If you wish to make The Guru a friend you can find him here:
http://www.bebo.com/WizardI26
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